Summer Is Coming

Heat and I don’t mix well. We’ve learned to tolerate each other — barely.

Any fiery types reading this will probably relate. We’re known for our intensity, driven nature and the ability to lock in at will. Then there’s the less flattering shadow side — reactivity, impatience, perfectionism and a propensity toward burnout.

We overheat easily.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, one of my more reactive parts tends to show up more during the summer months.

Which is probably why God sent me away for the summer.

My therapist affectionately calls her Katie Ka-Boom — a cartoon teenager from the early 90s who turns into a flaming monster whenever something upsets her.

Take two summers ago – my hot girl summer. No, not like that. Not like that either lol. The name isn’t meant to imply anything anatomical.

So what happened exactly?

Let’s just say my patience wore thin. And in the span of a few short weeks, I summarily dismissed four people from my inner circle – two of whom I loved dearly. And after the explosion came a wave of intense grief that was harder to bear than the summer heat.

The crazy thing is that I don’t think any of them saw it coming. One day everything was fine, the next kaboom. Game over.

I imagine they experienced my withdrawal as an unfounded overreaction. But I experienced the subtle dig, offhanded comment or perceived disapproval as the straw that broke the camel’s back. It stung. And I was done acting as if it didn’t bother me.

In all but one of those friend breakups, I had failed to communicate my needs and feelings sooner, so they were understandably caught off guard when I unilaterally decided to kick them out of my life. That’s on me.

I’ve since learned healthier ways to recognize and express my anger. The cues are familiar. The inner reaction, immediate. Bodily sensations, thoughts, and emotions are all trailheads leading to something deeper that is begging for my attention.

My work is to turn my attention toward that first – toward what’s fueling the fire underneath. The reflex is a protective one. Don’t come any closer. Don’t hurt me. Stay the fuck away or you might get burned too. Ouch.

That’s my beloved Katie. She means well. I’m learning to listen to her before she starts raging. We’re learning how to set boundaries together.

I was a hot mess that summer of 2024. But I don’t regret any of it.

Those experiences forced me into a deeper relationship with myself.

Those friendships were tested in the furnace of affliction, and the fire proved which ones were solid.

Two emerged stronger.
One faded.
One is still wobbly.

All of it is perfect.

My summer in exile is perfect too. The good Lord knows that until I get my shit together, I’m too much of a raw nerve to gracefully survive the Mediterranean heat this year.

He sent me away to keep me out of trouble.

And to keep Katie Ka-Boom safely tucked away from my dear friends back home.